Mother’s Day is coming round the bend again! Moms everywhere know that the special people in our lives, big and small, are beginning to look for ways to celebrate US in all of our child-bearing, butt-wiping, snack-making, bedtime-story-reading glory.
At least they’d better be.
But when it comes to Mother’s Day gift-giving, the pitfalls are plentiful, and the home runs are few and far between.
That’s why Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables, the ladies behind the "What Fresh Hell: Laughing in the Face of Motherhood" podcast, are providing your loved ones with this handy guide to Mother’s Day gifts!
Let’s start at the very bottom with:
STUFFED ANIMAL AND SAD FLOWERS CLEARLY HASTILY PURCHASED FROM LOCAL DRUGSTORE
On our first two Mother’s Days, our husbands opted to celebrate the 24-hour period reserved once a year for the sole purpose of them expressing their appreciation for our keeping their respective offspring alive by waking up in a sweaty panic on Mother’s Day morning, rushing to the local drug store, and returning with stuffed bears whose chintzy-plush stomachs were emblazoned with messages like “I Love You Beary Much”.
Said bears were, at later points in the day, used as projectiles in the ensuing discussions that occurred about proper gift-giving.
Slightly better than the “I all but forgot the day entirely” is the dreaded
BREAKFAST IN BED
When we’re talking Mother’s Day traditions it’s all about breakfast in bed! This yearly tradition is absolutely magical.*
*Please note the above statement applies only to women who:
- Like pretending to be asleep while listening their spouses shriek “stop putting your dirty hands in the pancake batter!”
- Want to spend half of Mother’s day in hazmat gear cleaning a kitchen completely and inexplicably destroyed in the production of toaster waffles.
- Enjoy finding bacon in their bedding every day for a week
- Prefer their pillowcases coated in a thin layer of maple syrup
Slightly better than breakfast in bed is....
SPA GIFT CARD
(Better include the gift of time as well...)
The spa gift card is a Mother’s Day staple, and we say there’s nothing wrong with it. It manages to simultaneously convey, “Darling, you need to relax and take some ‘you’ time!” and “I was afraid to buy you an item of clothing because I am a male and have no idea how ladies’ sizing works”.
The clear upside of the spa card: you get to go to the spa.
The possible downside: the part where you can never find a time to use your spa gift card and then next year you get another spa gift card and you end up with a sad pile of gift cards that stare at you from your desk drawer.
But that may still be a better option than…
Spending $45 a plate to eat Eggs Benedict while hissing at your offspring to “try to behave normal FOR ONCE”?
We call a hard pass.
THE ADORABLE SCHOOL PROJECT THAT ACCIDENTALLY EXPOSES YOUR MOST INTIMATE FLAWS.
We know you know what we’re talking about. It’s that absolutely adorable handmade-at- preschool project with fill-in-the-blank categories for your dear ones to tell “All About Mom”.
Which is great in concept, but in practice often ends up informing your child’s teacher that “Mommy’s Favorite Drink” is WINE and what Mommy is “really good at” is YELLING.
So don’t be afraid, this Mother’s Day, to ask for the second-greatest gift of all…
BEING LEFT ALONE
It’s not that you don’t love your spouse and kids. It’s just that there are times that the only place on Earth you want to be is anywhere other humans are not.
On Mother’s Day, this feeling is okay! We give you permission to lean into this feeling.
Perhaps your reward for taking care of mini-dictators and your full-grown partner is some time away from all human contact!
But even solitude can’t hold a candle to the greatest Mother’s Day gift of all:
A MOMS’ NIGHT OUT
Why not spend an evening with the really special people in your life— other moms! After all, they’re the ones that will tell you
- that your kid was perfect during the playdate even though in reality she found a Sharpie and drew all over her kitchen walls
- that they don’t even the notice the mess when they come over although your house looks like a landfill minus only the seagulls
- that you are totally pulling off those yoga pants as acceptable semi-formal wear
These angels are your “mom friends,” and this Mother’s Day is the perfect time to give yourself the gift of their company!
Lucky for you, Blumenthal Performing Arts is offering you the perfect Moms’ Night Out opportunity on Thursday, May 9th! Margaret Ables and Amy Wilson, the hosts of the comedy podcast What Fresh Hell: Laughing in the Face of Motherhood, are hosting a night of laughs, games and good clean mom fun— so grab some friends and treat yourself this Mother’s Day!
Tickets available at: https://www.blumenthalarts.org/events/detail/what-fresh-hell-laughing-in-the-face-of-motherhood-live-podcast